Holy Moly! - Russell Brand and Katy Perry

(.)(.)

Gemma Exley — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 14:04:37 +0000

Katy Perry signs Russell Brand divorce papers with a smiley face :(

Still, she has reason to smile now that it's been confirmed that Brand isn't looking to callously swipe $20m from her bank account. As if he would've - he's an honest guy. Actually, he's not - he hasn't even put his middle name on the document (Edward, FYI).

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'unbrand me!'

Gemma Exley — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 12:31:47 +0000

Russell Brand might be getting Katy Perry tattoo removed, may also play Worzel Gummidge

As well as visiting a very unparlour-y tattoo parlour, Brand has reportedly been in talks to star as Worzel Gummidge in a new movie film adaption.

Talking about the adaptation, Patrick Pidgeon told The Daily Star:

"The actor who plays Worzel doesn't have to look like John Pertwee.

"I want to come up with a new way of how the character became Worzel. And maybe we could take him out of a rural setting into a Victorian town."

Why not get Christina Aguilera then?

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I kissed a girl who looked like that other girl

Gemma Exley — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 14:36:39 +0000

Russell Brand allegedly likes Zooey Deschanel, might have mistaken her for Katy Perry

So, talking to OK! Magazine, a source claimed the recently-separated Brand likes the recently-divorced Deschanel, so much so that he's been sending her 'flirty' texts. The insider said:

“Russell has had his eye on Zooey for a long time. And he’s been sending funny, flirty texts to see if they can get together. He thinks she’s hysterically funny and cute too. He loves her quirky sense of humor and thinks they’d be great together both on and off screen. There’s a real spark there.”

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I bet your hair doesn't look good on the barber floor

Gemma Exley — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 10:48:42 +0000

Katy Perry & Alex Turner show why it's good to leave your hair alone after a break-up

Here's a script loosely inspired by Alexa Chung and Alex Turner's relationship:

____________________________________________

Early 2011.

A.T: I really want to get a quiff.
A.C: Don't.
A.T: Please.
A.C: No.

Some time passes and the couple split.

A.T: I'm so sad about my break-up with Alexa but at least I can get my quiff now.

The following day Chung is reading the popular press and spots a picture.

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Perry bad taste

John Hill — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 10:24:44 +0000

Katy Perry and Russell Brand split because he made jokes about her parents

After all, it's not like he's suddenly changed for the worse; he's always been a charmingly outspoken horsecock. He's written two books about being a charmingly outspoken horsecock. He's been on tour with his stand-up show The Charmingly Outspoken Horsecock. He's even openly described himself as a charmingly outspoken horsecock (paraphrasing a bit) in interviews. So why is everyone so surprised when he acts like a massive horse cock? WHAT A CRAZY WORLD WE ALL LIVE IN, EH READERS?

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Brand new b*llshit

Gemma Exley — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 12:26:48 +0000

Dubious Katy and Russell story of the day: his love of wheelchair porn drove her away

Following suggestions that Brand will ruthlessly swoop in for half Perry's fortune (we sincerely doubt this), Us Weekly now reports that Katy couldn’t satisfy Russell’s sexual desires, with a source saying:

“Katy was kinky enough during their first times together and he was very attracted to her.

"When things got bad, if they got a roll in the hay, they were always better after.”

However, the 'insider' added that it was “never enough”, continuing:

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Fireworks, after all

Mr. HM — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 20:07:44 +0000

Russell Brand divorces Katy Perry

Yup, despite the usual denials of divorce, his statement reads:

"Sadly, Katy and I are ending our marriage. I'll always adore her and I know we'll remain friends."

He appeared on Ellen earlier this month doing his best impression of a football manager languishing at the bottom of the table, insisting he has the full support of the board when he said:

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Cold n cold

Gemma Exley — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 15:40:19 +0000

Perry and Brand have a deep and meaningful chat about the state of their relationship

Talking to Us Weekly, a source said:

"They had a massive fight. She was like, 'F--k you. I'm going to do my own thing.' Russell replied, 'Fine, f--k you too.'"

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Last Friday Night

Gemma Exley — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 11:59:21 +0000

Katy Perry has a cowboy birthday party, Russell Brand and several wacky hipsters attend

Obviously this is all just sour grapes because we secretly wish we'd been there (only for the sticky ribs and mini burgers, mind you), but we're really not sure how Russell Brand tolerated even a few minutes of the party sober. We've not read the 12 steps - perhaps one is 'tolerate hipster revellers even when they're zanily planking on a bucking bronco whilst wearing chaps'...

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Become the hero-in you're own story

John Hill — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 09:02:31 +0000

Russell Brand tells young people not to worry about A-Levels, says he married Katy Perry

Not that you're going to be able to get a job or even get into university with your essentially worthless qualifications, but at least you'll be able to argue confidently with your parole officer, or maybe come and work at HM. Don't worry though, it's not all doom and gloom, look at Russell Brand. He didn't get a single one and still married Katy Perry:

'British youths! Good luck with your A Levels, but don't take it too seriously. I've got none and still married a pop star.'

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