X FACTOR 2009

It's time to face the music - well, as close to music as this year's X Factor finalists can manage. Simon's over 25s are Olly Murs (pre-show favourite), Jamie Archer (hated by Louis) and Danyl Johnson (possibly the best singer but hated by everyone, despite his attempts to appear humble).

Cheryl has the boys, Joe (short and annoying), Rikki (Scottish and annoying) and Lloyd (young and annoying) - she has no chance, surely. Danni's girls are lovely Lucie, simple Stacey and rejected-fairly-early-on Rachel.

Meanwhile Louis has lost the plot and took some strippers, some girls he threw together and Jedward to the final stage. What was he thinking? Still, as Jedward are being tipped as the new Ant and Dec, maybe he knows something we don't? No. Ok, then.