• Name: Ashley Cole
• Age: 29
• Occupation: Footballer
• Best Work: Getting the number 3 shirt at Chelsea
• Worst work: The phone scandal
• Worth: £££££££££££££££££
• Significant Others: Cheryl Cole
• Most Likely to: Get drunk and land inside a woman other than his wife
• PAPS: 159
• SLAPS: 198

Chelsea footballer nicknamed Cashley for his preposterously high wage demands; also plays for England. Started off at Arsenal and got fined £75,000 after doing dodgy deals with Chelsea in a “tapping-up” scandal - but still moved teams anyway. Counteracted rumours about his sexuality by not only marrying Cheryl Tweedy from Girls Aloud but also cheating on her with a drunk blonde who kissed and told the tabloids. He persuaded poor tearful Chezza to take him back -but was soon in trouble with the cops for being drunk and disorderly again, when his wife was on a Comic Relief trip to Africa.