• Name: Dannii Minogue
• Age: 37
• Occupation: Singer
• Best Work: I Begin To Wonder
• Worst work: Touch Me Like That
• Worth: ££££
• Significant Others: Kris Smith
• Most Likely to: Burt into tears
• PAPS: 200
• SLAPS: 142

The truth is hard to take, but we have faith that one day Dannii Minogue will realise that, no matter how many times she changes the spelling of her name, the style of her music or the shape of her face, she will never actually become Kylie. Oh it’s hard being the less-successful sister. Kylie gets the glossy lovely Neighbours, Dannii just gets Home and Away. Kylie gets a huge gay following, Dannii just gets praise from the BNP, who reckoned she supported their cause. Even judging the X-Factor hasn’t gone entirely well since Cheryl Cole pitched up and stole the limelight. Still, it’s easy to forget that Dannii has actually had about ten singles in the UK Top Ten. Too easy, in fact. How did any of them go? Something about putting a needle on something? Can anyone remember?