• Name: Duffy
• Age: 25
• Occupation: Singer
• Best Work: Warwick Avenue
• Worst work: That fucking Diet Coke advert
• Worth: ££££
• Significant Others: Her dog
• Most Likely to: not have much to say about stuff
• PAPS: 140
• SLAPS: 118

Blessed with the biggest pair of lungs to come out of Wales since Gavin Henson, Duffy is a feminist pioneer who defeats sexist beauty expectations by looking like she breakfasts on the contents of ashtrays. She doesn’t have much to say for herself in interviews and says fame has brought her close to the edge of a nervous breakdown. Cheer up love! Surely anything’s better than your days on the rather fabulously-named Welsh talent show “Wawffactor”? Plus, your album’s sold about a zillion copies and we can all sing along to Mercy whether we want to or not. If all else fails, you know there will always be a special place for you on Jools Holland’s Hootenanny, now and most probably for the rest of eternity. Her voice is quite annoying.