• Name: Elton John
• Age: 62
• Occupation: Musician
• Best Work: Goodbye Yellow Brick Road
• Worst work: Candle in the arse
• Worth: ££££££££££££££££££££££
• Significant Others: Mypartnerdavidfurnish
• Most Likely to: buy you a gaudy present
• PAPS: 121
• SLAPS: 119

Elton John’s annual ball is the graduation ceremony of celebritydom - an invite means you have now become a bona fide famous, and are free to go forth and get perved at by David Walliams, ranted at by Janet Street Porter, to ogle Liz Hurley’s fally-outy boobies and mutter conspiratorially with the Pet Shop Boys in the bogs about whether Candle In The Wind was “really all that”. This is because the piano-playing singer has a penchant for bigwigs and big wigs - indeed he seems to only makes friends with other very famous people so he can perch them on his arm, like the toupees that perch on his head. Elton once admitted in a court case that he spent a million and a half quid every month, quite a lot of it on flowers. The nearest Elton last came to normal folk is when he recorded a cover version of Love Of The Common People in 1967. Good bye Yellow Brick Road is a fucking TUNE.