If you're fat with child and looking for a non-religious way to welcome your devil's spawn into the world, then how about baptising it with swimming pool water that might have touched Tom Cruise bumhole? Sounds like just a faraway dream we know, but dreams do come true. Just look at Peter Stringfellow. Now he's got a chain of stripclubs, wears silver thongs to dinner and can grow his hair as long as he likes, all that from a vision he had after watching just one Journey video.

Katie Holmes: mother to Tom Cruise's children, star of Dawson's Creek, no other significant achievements to speak of. Certainly nothing that could possibly justify her huge inescapable, gravitic well of an ego. SO WHY WAS SHE RUDE TO NOEL  GALLAGHER? Maybe it's the Scientology, maybe it makes her do things. On the other hand, it could be David Icke's lizard people forcing her to make rude comments. Seems unlikely though. We always got the impression that lizard people would probably be Oasis fans, although admittedly more Liam than Noel. Maybe that's it. Maybe the Scientologists make her hate Noel because they prefer Liam. Come on, it all fits.