• Name: Michael McIntyre
• Age: 34
• Occupation: Comedian
• Best Work: Fastest-selling comedy DVD ever
• Worst work: His personality, his voice, his face, his jokes etc
• Worth: £££
• Significant Others: Kitty McIntyre
• Most Likely to: Become the BBC's leading man, sadly
• PAPS: 16
• SLAPS: 8

Yeah, that's him - the one with the excruciatingly irritating voice and seriously slappable face who makes you turn off BBC One every Saturday night. No offence, Michael, we're sure you're a lovely man; but isn't it about time you fucked off our TV screens and thought about entering a new profession? Something a little more understated, a librarian perhaps?

It'll always be one of life's mysteries as to how Michael McIntyre managed to lay claim to the fastest selling stand-up DVD ever. Either he has cast some magical spell over the great British public (and the BBC) or they have lost their sense of humor altogether. Michael was born in London, but you wouldn't be mistaken for thinking he was Irish, Scottish or even Chinese - his distinct but nauseating accent is always instantly recognized (and then instantly muted by the TV remote).

Let's pray that 'Friday Night With Jonathan Ross' doesn't become 'Friday Night with Michael McIntyre' or we may have to cancel our television license.