As far as we can discern from most of the promo stuff that's been going on for Arthur, the film is about Russell Brand and Helen Mirren having sex, with Russell playing a child and Helen playing his mother. While it's supposed to be a remake of Arthur, we're pretty sure it's actually somewhere between 800 Balas* and Lolita. Hopefully.

Unfortunately for Russell and Helen, if that actually had been the premise it still probably wouldn't have driven away any more punters than the real thing did at the European premiere in London's O₂. That's right Brandfans, it was a disappointment to everyone except Paije Richardson, who just seemed happy to be allowed out the house.

Alongside Paije and the two sexually suggestive stars were fellow cast member Greta Gerwig, fellow Brit Noel Gallagher and his family, the not-particularly-hilarious Caroline Flack, a wonderfully tanned David Baddiel, Mark Ronson and finally Carl Barat, who just doesn't seem to realise he no longer has to take himself quite so seriously. Or should.

*Come on, you already knew we were pretentious. This is just the delicious icing on the arsehole cake.