You will no doubt be relieved to learn that Bianca Gascoigne has emerged unscathed from Spain after going missing for literally DAYS at a music festival. No, us neither.

OK - so have a read of the following bits from the article in the Daily Mail and tell me if anything sounds even the slightest bit fishy to you. Bear in mind this is a 22 year old glamour model at a festival in Spain. Got that? OK...

The glamour model stepdaughter of ex-England star Paul Gascoigne is back in Britain after she went missing from a Spanish music festival. Fears grew for Bianca Gascoigne when she was not heard from for several days after travelling to Benicassim Festival, near Barcelona, last weekend.

'I am so glad to be home safely, I have never been so scared in my life, when the hurricane hit we didn’t know what to do.'

Bianca and a friend, who claim they lost all possessions in the storm, managed to hitch a ride with other festival goers to Calais and then on to Dover before returning to London.

Bianca adds: 'We are so grateful for the guys who took us under their wing ["wing"] and got us back home safe and sound. 'It’s been a mad few days and I am still a bit shocked at everything and have cuts and bruises from being hit by debris.'

Is anyone else reading that and thinking: "Spent all our money on [deleted by lawyers] then wound up round some Spanish dudes house for three days "hanging out".

There must also be something wrong with my eyes. I'm reading the word 'debris' and just seeing 'boingy cocks', but that's quite common in my condition (sexypirateitis).