Aren't fat people disgusting? All we at Holy Moly need to see is the tiniest hint of cellulite, the slightest of misshapen abs, or the merest suggestion of a secondary chin and we physically vomit. Honest. In fact, someone emailed us a picture of a pork scratching last week and within minutes the edges of our office were being gently lapped by a green and yellow sea that smelled of wheatgrass and yoga. Plus a little bit of wee, but that was more just nervousness on my part. Apols, yo.

So who is it that has made us so disgusted and nauseous today? The horrible man-woman-pig, Chanelle Hayes, that's who. IT'S A MOUTH, NOT A VACUUM CLEANER, YOU BLOATED SOW. Seriously, if she gets any larger they'll have to fit her for chocks instead of shoes (via New! Magazine):

“Ever since I went on Celebrity Juice recently, I’ve had so many people telling me I’m fat. It’s really horrible,

 

“I weigh 9½st but I was 7½st before I had Blakely and I would love to be that weight again. I feel like a big, fat, disgusting beast.”

Do you know why people have been calling you fat, Chanelle? It's because it looks like there's two of you. We're not sure whether to address your northern or southern hemisphere. You've got dust rings orbiting you for Christ's sake. 9 and a half stone? You might as well start taking your shampoo to the car wash.

“I’m SICK of ppl telling me I have put on weight. I had a baby FFS what do you expect? I’m doing everything I can to lose weight JEEEEZ [sic]!”

Baby? What kind of excuse is that? The baby's out now isn't it? Laziness, that's what this is, pure laziness. Either that, or your body simply naturally adjusting to having a child, BUT MORE LIKELY, LAZINESS.

“I was on a balanced meal plan but it didn’t work so I’ve started having black coffee for breakfast and lunch and broccoli for tea, but it’s not making any difference,”

 

“I can’t go to the gym every day because I have Blakely, but I go a minimum of four times a week.

 

"I’m doing everything I possibly can but it’s not making any difference – I feel like I’m getting fatter,”

 

“I used to be able to do two classes every day at the gym and would go for a run in the afternoon, but I put on so much weight when I was pregnant with Blakely – I went from a size 6 to a 14.”

"I go to the gym four times a week, waa waa waa" Here at HM we go to the gym ten times a week minimum. In fact, I'm doing crunches, star jumps and Mr HM is spotting me lifting half a ton as I write this. YOU NEED TO EARN THE BODY CHANELLE. EARN IT.

Alternatively, simply don't pay attention to people on Twitter, because on the whole they are insane. It's like walking down a street and hearing people shout at you through their letterbox, the same people who've just caked the entire interior of their house in shit. Their own, usually.

Having said that, Courtney's been off for a while, although I bet even she wouldn't take up a broccoli and coffee diet. Probably.

EDIT: For all the quackery types spitting a mental at this article, something special for you to read here.