After months of 'winning', 'bi-winning' and being a multi-wanker, there's finally some news to stop Charlie Sheen being such a smug bastard... he's been replaced on Two and a Half Men. His replacement - as the headline may have given away - is Mr. Ashton Kutcher, of Punking and shagging old women fame. But unfortunately for Charlie, this isn't just a long-winded and over-elbaborate 'Punk' - he's lost his job for good and he's not getting it back. We'd love to sympathise with you Chazza, but our dead, emotionless souls forgot how to do that a long time ago.

Kutcher's new job of making Two and a Half Men even less witty was confirmed yesterday, and it was also revealed that he'll be earning way less than his predecessor - $800,000 per episode to Sheen's $1.25M. Although it's still an absolute fuckload, and as much as we'd love to, we can't find any basis for mocking someone for the fact they're going to earn almost $20M in one season. 'Ha ha ha, you're going to be dirty rich, what an embarrassment' etc etc.

Following the announcement, Kutcher said:

"I can't wait to get to work with this ridiculously talented 2.5 team and I believe we can fill the stage with laughter that will echo in viewers' homes."

 

Do you think he's seen the show before?

"I can't replace Charlie Sheen but I'm going to work my ass off to entertain the hell out of people."

And Charlie Sheen doesn't think young Ashton can replace him either. He spoke to TMZ following the news:

"Kutcher is a sweetheart and a brilliant comic performer. Oh wait, so am I! Enjoy the show America. Enjoy seeing a 2.0 in the demo every Monday, Warner Bros."

 

We don't get that joke but we think we should. Does anyone? He finished by taking a dig at the man who fired him, Chuck Lorre:

"Enjoy planet Chuck, Ashton. There is no air, laughter, loyalty or love there."

No air, no laughter, no loyalty and no love? Sounds like the exact four emotions we encounter when watching Two and a Half Men.