It's all about the celebrity couples today. Or, more to the point, pretend celebrity couples. The latest pair of fromancers to hit the headlines are Cheryl Cole and Derek Hough, who we've not heard from for a little while. We liked it that way. But they're back with the devastating news that Chez won't be moving into to Chez Deek any time soon, and has instead opted to rent her own place for her first six months in LA. Where Mummy will be keeping her company for the first few weeks...

Cheryl's Mum, Joan, has never been very good at letting go of her daughter. It was always rumoured that she practically lived with Cheryl and Ashley when they were together, or, as her spokesman once put it, "a regular visitor". So she must have become increasingly lonely and in need of her daughter's credit card company ever since she flew off to LA and started spending all her time with BFF, Derek Hough.

Thus, we're blaming Joan for Cheryl's refusal to move in with Derek and waste millions of pounds on her own place instead. Particularly as she's going to be joined by her Mum for the first month or so to help her settle in and cook her her favourite meal of one salad leaf and a rice cracker.

On her decision to buy her own place, a source explained:

"Cheryl told him she would spend a lot of time at his, but she needs her own space. She wants to remain independent and not just become 'Derek's girlfriend'.

 

It's clearly a wise move that has in part been steered by Simon Cowell because she needs to become a star in her own right."

What the fuck has renting her own apartment got to do with Simon Cowell? He may King of the World but, for once, this one has nothing to do with him.

"Derek is gutted. He bought his new place with Cheryl in mind. She had lots of input and his interior decorator even spoke to Cheryl on several occasions."

Probably to ask her who she was. A question the whole of America will be asking in the coming months, followed by a very confused 'what did she just say?'.