Poor Cheryl Cole. She just can't catch a break can she? First she had to work with Nadine, then Simon Cowell, then Ashley cheated on her and then she got malaria. Well she can only be pushed so far, God, before she lashes out at someone and it's not going to be pretty, in fact it's probably going to be Nicola.

The most recent tragedy to befall Chezza is truly a heartbreaking one. This time round, a burglar broke into Ashley's home while he was away with those rascals the England football team, and stole all the love letters and poems and all other kinds of soppy drivel Cheryl had written him.

Now of course they knew there was no point in breaking into Cheryl's house because as we all know Ashley can neither read nor write (possibly) so at best they would have found a few macaroni pictures and maybe a crayon drawing he'd done of them humping stuck on the fridge, and those certainly wouldn't have given away the intimate details that Cheryl's letters are alleged to have in them.

So basically what this means for us, her adoring fans, is we're finally going to get to know what kind of kinky shit Cheryl used to get upto in the bedroom, and more importantly, whether she is, as suspected, the next Dylan Thomas. Here's what we imagine one of her poems would be like:

My darling Ash
You're pretty flash
When I get wet
It's all you, pet
I'll come home fast
Please clean the bath

C.xx