We've got all your favourite celebrities today, readers. Frankie Sandford and the rest of The Saturdays, Alex Reid, Katie Price and now the latter's prodigy, Chloe Mafia. Don't tell us you haven't missed her. We've been suffering Mafia withdrawal symptoms (mainly spontaneous bouts of tears, lasting up to 90 minutes) ever since those rumours about her and Wagner's passionate night of intercourse back in December. But now she's back, back, back to deny that it ever happened and inform us of her engagement. Not to Wagner, sadly.

As much as we'd have loved the Wafia story to have been true, there was always an underlying doubt in our mind that some genius person posed the question 'what is the most preposterous celebrity couple I can think of?' and decided on Wagner and Chloe Mafia as the one that would sell the most papers. But we're still a little bit gutted that today she's finally denying it ever happened and announcing her engagement to someone other than our beloved Wagner.

The 19-year-old told Now how Wagner was "very touchy-feely", but that she never touched a feel of his Wanger. The magazine also class her as a 'singer', a term which we feel would be better suited to a wailing baby than her. Anyway, here's what she said:

"When I arrived at rehearsals Wagner ran up to me and gave me a cuddle, going 'Chloe! Chloe!' so that's where they got that photo of us. He's very touchy-feely. But I don't fancy him - he's like a hairy beast!"

Hang on a minute there, Chloe. The man may have a good head of hair on him, but let's get one thing straight: Wagner is not a beast. He just owns one. A lion, to be precise.

The part-time prostitute went on to reveal that she is now engaged to the apparent talent agency owner, and horribly named, Dymond Allen. She recalls the moment he popped the question:

"It was a few days before Christmas. First he got me a shout-out on the radio, which was so romantic."

About as romantic as your grandparents taking part in an orgy.

"Then we went to an Italian restaurant near his home in London where he asked me to marry him. He got me a nice diamond (Dymond?) ring and everyone in the restaurant was looking at us. We went to his mum's house straight after but it was so embarrassing because she'd seen the papers and said to him, 'Isn't that the girl off the X Factor who's shagging Wagner?"

You know it's going to be a long lasting relationship when you only meet the parents after you've got engaged. Still, we'd bet good money on their marriage having more success than Katie Price and Alex Reid's 11 month pantomime.