It must almost be that time of year when we spend just under a week on the phone to the Glastonbury Festival hotline, trying to get tickets for an event that we don't really want to go to and watch bands that we simply haven't heard of, all the while wading around in mud that consists of fake ecstasy tablets, discarded tofu burgers, vomit, paper cups and underwear.

However, generic pretty girl we're in love with is going, so it'll all be worth it in the end. Even if we do catch a rare strand of cholera from the lakes of urine splashed on our tent.

More importantly though, we know who's headlining. How do we know? Secrets. We thrive on them. In fact we actually lost a couple of our best informants simply bringing this news to you. They're not dead though, we just stopped answering their calls.

Anyway, here's what we know...

Friday: U2

Saturday: Coldplay

Sunday: Beyonce

Sounds like it's going to be a good one this year, and with the weather seemingly spiralling into Day After Tomorrow territory at the moment, we might even get to go tobogganing.