Just when television chefs started to get boring, at time when even Ainsley Harriot's massive swollen gob stopped being funny, a saviour arrived on the scene. That man was Gordon Ramsay.

Fuck you, fuck a knife, shit sausage, bastard potatoes, arsehole baby spinach, fucking jus not puree you idiot, you're talking, quite frankly, total bollocks, get the fuck out of my kitchen, I didn't cheat on my wife.

That's how Gordon re-invigorated food TV. We didn't watch because we cared what he was cooking, we watched because the Michelin starred bully spent 30 minutes swearing at a 50 year old father of five until he broke down in tears and apologised to Gordon for being such an utter disappointment to everyone, then resigned, whereupon Gordon would fill the entire menu with club sandwiches and pork medallions. Simple. Easy food. See?

As it turns out though, the craggy faced whiner isn't actually that perfect himself. Recent reports show Gordon Ramsay has not only undergone plastic surgery for a hair transplant, but according to experts (luckily the internet is full of them) has also had a facelift and work done on his teeth. When you add this to the Polyfilla they plastered all over his face in order to level it and shore up the dry rot a few months ago, there's probably very little original meat left on his visage.

Not just that though, as it has also been reported (by Gordon himself, so there's about a 50/50 chance of bullshit) that while he was doing some investigative journalism about illegal fishing in Costa Rica recently a load of disgruntled local fishermen (or provincial pub landlords, either way) poured petrol over him:

“These gangs operate from places that are like forts, with barbed-wire perimeters and gun towers.

 

“At one, I managed to shake off the people who were keeping us away, ran up some stairs to a rooftop and looked down to see thousands and thousands of fins, drying on rooftops as far as the eye could see.

 

“When I got back downstairs they tipped a barrel of petrol over me. Then these cars with blacked out windows suddenly appeared from nowhere, trying to block us in. We dived into the car and peeled off.”

God forbid he'd actually spend any time trying to fix his floundering restaurant empire.