Now that we've got all the rumour and hearsay out of the way and the full I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here 2010 line up has been announced, let's have a look at each contestant. Who's going to win?

SHAUN RYDER

Birthday 23/08/1962

Occupation Singer

Best work Happy Mondays, Black Grape, Gorillaz

Worst work Crack

Worth £

Significant others Married to Joanne

Most Likely to be incoherent

 

Shaun William Ryder is as close to a british musical icon as they come. He's also as close to a person who's suffered a complete mental collapse due to years of Class A intake as it comes, there's the balance of the force kids.

 

He's written and sang on more amazing songs than is possible to name here, but a special shout out to WFL, Loose Fit, Step On, Reverend Black Grape, Dare to name but a few.

 

Shaun started off as a scaly and ended up being the champion of Baggy with the Happy Mondays, before crack got in the way and they disintegrated. He then returned with Black Grape who disintegrated due to drug use too.

 

He seems to have calmed down a lot now, and sports an amazing pair of false teeth.

 

LINFORD CHRISTIE

Birthday 02/04/1960

Occupation Ex-Athlete

Best work Running fast

Worst work Drugs Ban

Worth £££

Significant others 6 kids with several women

Most Likely to have a huge cock

 

Linford Christie is famous for three things. 1) Running fast 2) Getting banned from athletics for failing a drugs test 3) Having a ginormous penis.

 

He's won every single running medal in the world and does work for charities etc, but ask anyone on the streets of Britain what they remember most about Linford and they will all say "Lunchbox", referring to the sight of his penis in a pair of running shorts, which resembles a shrink-wrapped anaconda gasping for air.

He hates the press.

 

NIGEL HAVERS

Birthday 06/11/1950

Occupation Actor

Best work Chariots of Fire

Worst work Jack and the Beanstalk

Worth ££££

Significant others Married to Georgiana

Most Likely to be a cad and a bounder

 

Nigel Havers is a quintessential British actor most famous for starring in Chariots of Fire and being a scoundrel/cad with the ladies. In your mind's eye he is always aged about 24 and wearing a straw boater reading a novel to a woman in a petticoat on a river bank in Cambridge, but it isn't actually known if this event took place.

 

He's had tons of affairs and was widowed in 2004 after his wife died of cancer. He successfully contested the will and won an out of court settlement from her children.

 

 

BRITT EKLAND

Birthday 06/10/1942

Occupation Actress

Best work Man With The Golden Gun

Worst work Panto

Worth £££££££

Significant others Ex-husband Peter Sellers

Most Likely to Have three nipples, or something.

 

Britt Ekland is proper famous thanks to The Man With The Golden Gun, Get Carter, The Wicker Man and Peter Sellers. She now trades on that by doing tons of panto and talking heads TV shows. The fact that she slept with Peter Sellers makes her amazing.

 

GILLIAN MCKEITH

Birthday 28/09/1958

Occupation Pretend doctor style nutritionist

Best work Examining Richard Blackwood's sloppy turds

Worst work Everything else

Worth £££

Significant others Lawyer Howard Magaziner

Most Likely to Tell fibs

 

Gillian McKeith is a thoroughly dislikable woman who has carved out a career in television through deception. Her Phd thesis was found to have bee cribbed from a pamphlet called "Miracle Superfood". The institute she gained her dipole from also granted one to someone applying in the name of their dead cat for $60. She was banned from using the title doctor. She got into a wanly argument on Twitter and after being shown her own arse, pretended it was a false account, despite being linked to from her personal website. She is represented by Max Clifford and spends most of her time looking at people's shit and making them eat berries.

 

KAYLA COLLINS

Birthday 01/04/1987

Occupation Playboy Playmate

Best work See above

Worst work See above

Worth one

Significant others A million teenagers' tissues

Most Likely to Get her tits out, stupid.

 

Little is known about Kayla Collins other than she has been in Playboy, has a phobia of spiders and is going into the jungle as part of I'm a Celebrity 2010. She describes herself as "goofy", which is stupid as he was a dog.

 

LEMBIT OPIK

Birthday 02/03/1965

Occupation Ex-MP now ligger

Best work As yet unknown

Worst work Fucking a cheeky Girl

Worth fuck all

Significant others Isn't a Cheeky Girl enough?

Most Likely to continue his slide to Z-List

 

Lembit Opek was an MP until he got the boot in the 2010 elections. He now writes a column for the Daily Sport and is more comfortable with appearing at the opening of an envelope with that silly grin and a woman wearing a glittery boob tube on his arm. He is the epitome of a starstruck, fame-hungry bellend desperate to stay in the same public regard he had when he was shagging a cheeky girl.

 

SHERYL GASCOIGNE

Birthday 24/09/1965

Occupation Ex-wife of Gazza

Best work Divorcing Gazza

Worst work Bianca Gascoigne

Worth £

Significant others ex husband Paul Gascoigne

Most Likely to Sell pictures to Hello Magazine

 

Sheryl Gascoigne became famous by marrying footballer Paul Gascoigne. She divorced him after revealing that he beat her and her children. She took part in a documentary with her children in which they attempted to perform an intervention on Paul and plead with him to seek help. It was touching, heartfelt and tragic to see their children going through so much pain - rendered completely useless by Bianca Gascoigne then getting her tits out in Zoo within a month.

 

AGGRO SANTOS

Birthday 12/10/1988

Occupation Rapper

Best work Candy

Worst work No other work known about

Worth £££

Significant others Who cares

Most Likely to have to explain who he is

 

Aggro Santos is a Brazilian born rapper who entered the charts like bullet (#19) with his collaboration with Kimberley Wyatt from The Pussycat Dolls. I Aggros has said he is not going in the jungle to get more work. Which is lucky.

 

STACEY SOLOMON

Birthday 04/10/2010

Occupation Singer

Best work X Factor finalist 2009

Worst work Her speaking voice

Worth £

Significant others Son Zach

Most Likely to not quite understand what you're on about

 

Stacey Solomon was the thoroughly likeable girl who got to the final of X Factor 2009. An oddly pretty girtl with a silly voice who hopefully pretends to be a bit stupider than she actually is. She hasn't really done much since X Factor, but seems quite happy with her lot and is a refreshing glass of water in the reservoir of raw reality show sewage. Will be in the final  two.