Isn't Jack Tweed a handsome young man? Those chiselled features, those brooding hazel eyes, a skin tone somewhere between olive and enriched uranium. What a catch for any woman. Plus, he knows Mark Wright,  a man who has his own nightclub!

Can you imagine the wild times they must have together? Threesomes, foursomes, onesomes (quite a few of those) and of course classic twosomes, where they can just relax in each other's company, perhaps in a bubblebath, and talk about the time they had to appear in court for fighting that stupid non-famous builder.

Yes, that's right, Jack Tweed, his best pal Mark Wright and his brother Lewis Tweed were all arrested on January 3rd after bustin' a few skulls outside Deuces Bar in Chigwell. Mark and Lewis were arrested at the scene, while Jack received a phone call later asking him to pop down the police station for a few questions. What had happened? A 21 year old builder had suffered a black eye and a bruised face. That's what.

Jack has been accused of threatening and abusive behaviour, the other two have been charged with public order offences. The three are due to appear at Redbridge Magistrates' Court next Tuesday. Hopefully, someone will mix up the casefiles and all three will go down for treason as well as sexually harassing the Queen, which may be the same thing.

In fact, we must have some high powered criminal lawyers here on HM, so do you know whether sexually harassing the Queen counts as treason? Answers in a suitably abusive comment below please.