Dear Katy Perry, you seem nice, but there's only so much you can fix by packing a perky pair of tits into a latex dress. Constantly harping on about how much you love Brits just so we don't hate you as much as Madonna is almost as irritating as your ex-junkie fiance's stand-up. Who, incidentally, we were kind of hoping you'd take off our hands. For good. 

Pop star, Chyna lookalike, and all round sycophant Katy Perry has just announced she wants to buy an English farm with her fiance Russell Brand. She says she wants to be a 'real' farmer and have her kids running around in the fresh country air while she milks cows and rolls around in pigshit.

What seems most likely though, is she just wants a place she can leave Russell without having to worry about him screwing anything with a womb, getting back on The Horse, or more importantly, somewhere he definitely won't make any more TV programmes or films.

In terms of her actually getting into the country, (as if the idea of an American Lily Allen wasn't enough to make even the most corrupt members of the home office balk at issuing her a passport) don't worry, she's been studying and has identified our most important assets: she said she loves British girls 'coz they're right dirty-like, and she also wants to scissor the shit out of Cheryl Cole.