Being burgled can be one of the most traumatic experiences possible. Imagine people rifling through your belongings, sniffing your underwear, using your pay-per-view and worst of all, scarfing down your imported Iberico ham while drinking an Australian merlot. Makes you sick in your mouth just thinking about it. The only way to combat this, the worst of all things, is to become enormously rich and buy lots of houses, thereby minimising the impact of those scruffy urban barbarians. Easy.

Of course, poor Keira Knightley didn't realise this, and despite having many, many houses she left all the cured ham and merlot in her London pad. These burglars, knowing this, swept in and stole her laptop, kicking in her back door (which was loose and unlocked) and penetrating her internal entrance in the process*. 

Now this isn't any laptop, oh no, this laptop was chock a block with pirated software and pictures of the actress in compromising positions - clown outfits, nazi memorabilia and blackface to name a few. Apparently these pictures could go for millions of pounds on the open market, which means the laptop has been valued at around £2000, give or take a pony, monkey or horse-drawn carriage.

Police are looking into the case, dusting for fingerprints and all that crime-solving stuff they love to do. Of course if we here at HM can help in anyway, rifling through her belongings for clues for example, we will. Don't hesitate to call us, Mr Police, we've watched all six series of The Wire between us, and I'm pretty sure only one of us is crooked. 

*While it may sound like we've taken advantage of the situation to make a joke, that's actually what happened. Scouts honour.