Trouble just follows Kerry like the waft of a doner, so it's no great surprise that the latest saga in her life reads out like a Shameless nativity special.
According to the News of the World, the bankrupt mum of four has failed to keep up with her mortgage payments and is now close to losing her stone-clad Warrington pad, with a source telling the paper:
"She was totally hysterical when the letter arrived. She hasn't paid the mortgage because she's been squandering what money she has left. Kerry seemed to think she was immune from losing her home. She really didn't think that she, Kerry Katona, would have her house taken from her.
"But now the reality has hit hard - there is no going back, Kerry has lost her home for good. It is too late to negotiate with the mortgage lender, they have given her too many chances. She has just a few weeks to find somewhere to live but she knows it is probably going to be back in a council house in Warrington where she grew up."
Depressing, yet completely inevitable. The only positive thing about this whole sorry story is that Mark Croft might finally fuck off, having nothing more to gain from Kerry.
WAIT! THERE'S MORE!
Mark Croft continues his transformation into a stubbly ballsack, admits being greedy
Mark Croft sells story to the NOTW, hates Kerry Katona
Kerry Katona issues a stark warning to the next Mark Croft
Kerry Katona gets a load of cash from bank, calls Mark a knob
Kerry Katona splits from Mark Croft, makes money
Big Brother winner Pete Bennett gets married, amazing photos
P Diddy pays tribute to Notorious BIG by acting like an absolute cockend
Peaches Geldof and Eli Roth continue their thinly-veiled bout of self validation
Ronnie Wood visits the country with girlfriend, look like murderers
Jennifer Aniston & Gerard Butler get sexy for W Magazine ahead of Bounty Hunter release
Elton John's Oscar party, posh looks drunk, Cowell's breasts
Chanelle Hayes still pregnant, goes out with Robbie Coltrane
Take That's Mark Owen gets busted for 10 affairs
Daisy Lowe slips into a swimsuit and pair of hot-pants for Louis Vuitton bag campaign
X Factor's Rachel Adedeji gets the Holy Moly Interrogation
Katie Price sends saucy texts to Brazilian toyboy Andre Pinto
X Factor's Lucie Jones gets a Holy Moly Interrogation
When Holy Moly met JLS
How much is your sex tape worth?
What is so damn great about Blighty?
COMMENTS (20)
I waver between pity for this bloated coke addled wretch, and pure revulsion.
At the moment, revulsion is winning.
If she's too stupid to see what her taxi driver boyfriend has done with all the money, then she deserves to lose the house.
As long as her nasty cunt mother is on the streets, it's all good.
THE CHRISTMAS STORY
And lo, it came to pass that Homeless Katona went forth into Warrington on a / her humble ass, and she was heavy with fat.
…and she did pass from inn unto inn, seeking succour but none would let her in to quaff, landlords intoning ‘thou art barred thou miserable strumpet even unto thy smitey boyfriend’
And Katona was sore distressed.
Until happening upon a lowly kebab shop, wherein she was allowed to rest - behind the bins, amongst the downcast and the lepers and the puke.
And so it came to pass that later that night, Katona did give birth unto an enormous Brown Trout and three Paparazzi, summoned by an agency stringer, did take pictures even though they were afraid of the stench and her smitey boyfriend.
But they knew which side their kebab was buttered when it came to thirty pieces of silver.
Later that week, in the Kingdom of Fleet Street, three Tabloid Editors followed The (Daily) Star and did happen upon the Katona photos and did bestow the gifts of Publicity, Column Inches and Coverage.
…and lo, in time Iceland, Lidl and Turkey Twizzlers did renew their contracts, even unto tenfold of their previous value and Albion did weep and gnash its teeth.
And Max Clifford did cackle like Beelzebub at what he had created.
Fucking hell, Mr HM must be wanking himself to a standstill, wishing he could afford writers of your wit and calibre.
I'm feeling very festive now in the midst of that wonderful Warrington nativity scene.
A smidge too much time on your Germans jiggers, but quite good all the same
Well, it's Christmas week, I'm at work but no other bugger is and even surfing the Internet for videos of Asian women vandalising each others anuses has lost some of its sparkle.
Try looking up Brazilian Fart Fetish Porn....I'm not sure if it really exists but it'll use up a few minutes.
Try looking up Jesus and discover the true meaning of Christmas.
Or failing that, thai dwarf donkey rimming is your next best bet.
This is where OK could step in. Give her a job, not as a 'writer', good heavens no, but as a security guard for their offices. Pay her in cups of tea and the leftovers from the canteen and let her sleep on the premises. Simples.
Simples? SIMPLES?! Retard.
Probably begging Celeb Big Brother as we speak, but even they wouldn't stoop so low?
A future at the most nasty end of the porn industry is all she can look forward to.
Oh well, lets all have another mince pie and Happy Christmas Kerry!