It may seem like Kate and William getting married and Madonna announcing the release of a track she's recorded with her daughter is a coincidence, but it's not. It's also nothing to do with the fact they are both kind of royalty. It's actually because Jupiter's moon is at its fullest in Mercury's shadow, the tide is high, we're going to live forever, and nepotism is forcing itself right up the summer solstice. That's right, we're calling out Madonna and the royal family for nepotism. What you going to do about it eh, Charlie? Call your mum? Well, don't. Because that's actually quite serious, and we wouldn't be able to do anything about it. Plus, we'll tell everyone about Harry.

Anyway, the real story here is that of Madonna and her religiously significant daughter recording a track together, as the veiny armed spectre of the 80s attempts to pass her soul-soaked crown on to the next generation of innovative attention seekers.

The song is called It's So Cool and is supposedly about the family Ciccone overcoming a problem with the condenser fan of a fridge they had been trying to get on lease-purchase. Apparently, they had originally recorded a track together eight years ago, but Madge ended up wiping her daughter's part from the final master. Possibly because she didn't want to expose her daughter unnecessarily to criticism, but probably because it was sheeeeiiite.

While staring directly at The Sun, a source close to the large eyebrowed pair had this to say:

"Madonna hopes Lourdes will step into her shoes and become one of the biggest female artists in the world.

 

"She's the perfect mentor for her daughter and is keen to assist her first steps into the industry.

 

"Lourdes has a great voice and plenty of character - like her mum."

Assuming she is going to follow in her mother's footsteps, how exactly is Lourdes going to do beat Madge's videos in terms of creating controversy? Maybe in her first video she's going to give birth to chinese Hitler while tied to an upside down menorah, or possibly eat a lifesize cake made of smashed up pork spine in the shape of the Ayatollah Khomeini. Who knows. We just can't wait.