Boo! Hiss! Lindsay Lohan's father Michael, the chattering car-crash who keeps whining to the media about how his daughter won't speak to him (except through the media) was due to take part in a charity boxing match on Monday. The highest bidder would be given the enviable opportunity to attempt to knock his head clean off his shoulders and see if it still moaned about Lindsay for a few seconds afterwards.

IT entrepreneur Bob Venero was the lucky man who won the bidding, paying $30,000 in order to have a crack at Lohan and probably another ten grand to have his gloves filled with rusty nails. Sadly, the fight has been cancelled due to... you've guessed it... those pesky meddling kids at the New York State Division of Parole.

 

Because lovely Lohan is currently on parole after a two-year jail sentence for attacking his ex-wife's brother in 2004 and a little drink driving incident. The Parole Division felt it inappropriate for a man convicted of getting shouty with his fists to be seen to be getting shouty again in public. The ever-demure Michael agrees, so it's odd he signed up for the thing in the first place (though it was a wonderful opportunity for him to shout "Daddy loves you Lindsay, Daddy's doing all of this for you!" between rounds).

 

"I've been on parole for almost two years now, and being that everything has gone so well, I didn't want to cross the line in any way with them."

 

Has Michael finally grown up and seen the error of his ways? Well, he managed to keep his spluttering slash of a mouth quiet for about two seconds before his daughter, her partner and her family entered his otherwise-uncluttered head.

 

"After the comments and threats that Mark Ronson made recently, maybe he wants to fight me for charity. I'm definitely willing to step in the ring for three rounds with Mark Ronson."

 

Sigh. Here we go again.

 

by Ian McShane