Mickey Rourke is in London at the moment - quite why, no-one seems to be sure, but that's OK with us as long as he keeps having pissed up meltdowns in front of the paparazzi. GOOD MAN.

It's difficult to know where to begin with these pics - there's so much good stuff in them. It's like Mickey read the manual called 'How to get the paparazzi on your side for the rest of eternity'.

To be fair, It's quite a small manual. Here are the basic points:

1) Take a camera off them and start taking pictures of them. They fucking love this. They will be your friend.

2) Be drunk. Almost to the point of illness. This causes you to do things no normal human would do on their own - let alone on the street in front of 60 Eastern European men on scooters with cameras.

3)Wear clothes that get you noticed. IMPORTANT. Many bimbos fail on this point. As they get dressed at home they forget that at Bijou there will be 45 other tarts in exactly the same shitty dress trying to bang the same footballer. Velvet slippers are the future - we all just need to catch up.

4) Punch stuff. Anything will do. A human is preferable, but failing that and inanimate object is fine. Roadworks? They'll do.

5) Always have the last laugh by reminding the paparazzi that even though your face looks like a plasticine rugby ball after the Six Nations final, and even though you're dressed like Michael Hutchence from 1993 - while they're stuck in traffic on Trafalagar Square..