What do the tabloids do when every single celebrity in the land digs themselves a deep hole, crawls inside and hides away from the rest of us for the entire fucking weekend? They turn to their two favourite girls, Katie Price and Cheryl Cole, and produce the most vile-smelling bullshit they can muster up.

Sadly for us, because of said hole-digging, crawling and consequent hiding, we have absolutely fuck all in the form of celebrity gossip to provide you with - apart from this potentially possibly definitely made-up story from the NOTW about 'Alex and Katie's Marriage CRISIS!!!' and some exclusive photos of Derek Hough giving Cheryl Cole a ride... in his car.

The papers are all claiming today that Alex Reid is about to walk out on the cuntry's cuntiest cunt, Cunty Price, after reaching the end of his tether with her. But instead of picking one reason from their ten-page-long list of lies, they just decided to string them all off one after the other. Here they are in order of believability:

1. She keeps blaming him for not getting pregnant (we wonder why???)
2. He hates her cosmetic surgery and new puffed up lips (fair do's, as do we)
3. Something about spending her Hen Night in a hotel bedroom with strip group, 'Dreamboys' (dream on)
4. Something about fucking Peter Andre (bullshit)
5. Something about fucking her horse-trainer (horseshit)
6. He's had enough of her calling him fat (clutching at straws here...)
7. She blames him for her single flop (that's probably true now we think of it)

Meanwhile, we're bored to death of the pathetic rumours about Cheryl Cole and Derek Hough getting jiggy with it - she's clearly not his, err, type. But at least the new photos of them driving about together in LA yesterday mean we can make that fresh, original and downright hilarious joke about him giving her a ride.