It's been a busy few weeks for Peter Andre. In between mysterious hospitalisations and heavily staged meetings with certain professional trouts he's managed to break up a marriage and chip his kids. Of course some of these stories are mere allegations and in no way are we suggesting they may have been orchestrated by a particularly unscrupulous management agency.

Anyway, Peter's first port of call is his local electronics shop, where he's supposedly looking to pick up anti-kidnap tracking devices for his children. Apparently he's worried they might get lost and as he can only think about one thing at a time it seems prudent to chip the little buggers so he can track them. 

'There’s always a risk because of his profile that his children could be snatched. He doesn’t want to take any chances and is happy to spend a few thousand on making sure they are safe. The trackers would allow him to keep a close log on them and ensure they are always in the right place.

 

And if there is anything amiss he can immediately contact the police. Everything in Pete’s life revolves around the kids. By bolstering security and having these devices it will help give him peace of mind as to where they are.'

Unfortunately for Pete, just as soon as he secured his kids against Somalian pirates, another problem popped up, this time in the shape of Channel 5 Gadget Show presenter Pollyanna Woodward. Apparently Pollyanna's husband Lee Childs has named Andre in their divorce papers, citing a meeting between Pete and Polly during which the affable woodstained idiot became increasingly flirtatious.

This marriage was perfect until he started texting my wife. We were blissfully happy but then he turned her head and her heart.

Pollyanna immediately dismissed the claims, although strangely held back one vital piece of evidence that could easily clear the mushy faced Aussie: how can he be texting when we all know he can't read or write? HM rests its case your honour.

“I met Peter Andre informally at a Channel 5 dinner where we chatted, and in the following few days texts were exchanged.

 

“I am not and have never been in a relationship with Peter.

 

“The reasons for my divorce are personal issues between myself and Lee.”

Katie Price must be itching to weigh in on this one, trapped at home as she is...