Not heard of Rock Of Ages? Well, it's a musical based on the tunes of Bon Jovi, Styx, Twisted Sister, Whitesnake, Starship and Poison. If that doesn't sound ball-achingly bad enough, the UK stage version is going to star Justin Lee Collins and the Hollywood movie stars Russell Brand. What kind of fresh hell IS this? 

Now I'm no theatre critic, but trained actors can;t be happy at the thought of Justin Lee Collins, who's only previous stage experience was as part f a BET by Sky One, has landed the lead in a West End Musical.

Note to would be thespians: If you want to get ahead in theatre, don't bother with RADA, do a CH4 show about the A Team instead.

The thought of Justin Lee Collins singing Pat Benatar night after night is surely only one step up from wanking with knives.

Still, despite this setback, Hollywood thought we hadn't suffered enough and have decided to make Rock Of Ages into a film starring Russell Brand (quick guess: same role as Get Him To The Greek), Alec Baldwin (only funny when Tina Fey lets him), Tom Cruise (quick guess: ironic humourously self-depreciating cameo to show he's one of the people) and Catherine Zeta Jones.

This is going to make The Hangover 2 look like The Tree Of Life.

Thanks life, you must really hate me.