What is wrong with the young British female popstar these days? When the weekend comes, we rely on them to go out on the town, get blind drunk on free Cava, flash their pants in a taxi and throw up down a side street. So imagine our dismay when Sarah Harding, Lily Allen, Diana Vickers and Alexandra Burke are all papped on a night out at the same time, but not one of them makes a fool of themselves.

We assumed it was just a blip when Amy Winehouse turned to retail, rather than cocktail therapy on Tuesday night. But it would appear that the entire population of female singers have been struck down by a horrifying case of soberitis. If one of them doesn't go out to Mahiki, fall down the stairs and lash out at a photographer in the coming weeks then it may spell the end for Holy Moly.

First of all, let's take Alexandra Burke - who was out celebrating her 22nd birthday last night. Drenched in make-up and dressed to the nines, we expected her to go all out for her big two two. But no. She got some cute little teddy bears and made it home in time for the Eastenders omnibus.

Next up were Sarah Harding and Diana Vickers, two girls notorious for enjoying a good piss-up. But the closest they came to any sign of drunken behaviour last night was Harding having to hold onto an Audi to keep her balance and Vickers diving in for a not-very-sneaky arse-scratch.

Finally, we have Lily Allen - someone who knows how to have a good time. But instead she came out of her hotel looking like a cross between one of the Railway Children and the girl from The Ring. Damn that fetus growing inside her!

The boring cunts, if only they could all be like Michelle Heaton...