In his second unwarranted assault of the week, 80's hair revivalist Simon Cowell has been viciously attacked by 80's pop sensation Paula Abdul. Once was bad enough, but twice? No-one deserves that.

You just go out and play with your swans, Simon. We'll take care of the bullies.

Abdul, best known for seemingly like she's constantly drunk, has cruelly targeted her former employer in what many will surely see as a bid for a good old fashioned hug from the millionaire, and possibly a pat on the head. Speaking to Ellen DeGeneres, Paula explained her relationship with Simon:

'Definitely love hate - to the sense that when we are on the hating side I will actually cross the street and walk on the other side, I avoid him like the plague.

 

'But you know... he's like acquired taste. He's like fungus - he sticks around a long time and then finally you just surrender to it.'

However, Paula doesn't think the feeling is mutual, in fact she's pretty sure the musical equivalent of the Borg actually has a little crush on her, becoming emotional as he did during her surprise appearance on his American Idol goodbye show:

'He was so shocked - he actually started welling up, and I always like to make Simon cry.'

Simon, if you're reading this, we understand your pain. People say nasty things about us too, things like 'cunt', 'illiterate twat' and 'small readership'. Just don't let it get to you big guy.