Terry, Cole, Gerard, Rooney, Defoe... no, we're not naming our fantasy five-a-side line-up. Those five are the English footballers who have all been accused of cheating on their partners over the last couple of years. But if there was one man we never expected to join them, it'd be Peter Crouch...

Fuck it! Who are we kidding? He's a footballer; cheating is part of his job description - both on and off the pitch. This news is even less surprising than Joe McElderry's bombshell this time last week.

According to a prostitute from Spain who goes by the name of Monica Mint (the Mint with the hole, perhaps?), Crouch gave her eight hundred quid to wank him off in the back of a taxi and take him back to a hotel for a quick shag. So much for the man who famously admitted that, if he wasn't a footballer, he'd be a virgin. And, erm, so much for the man who asked Abbey Clancy to marry him over a year ago.

Obviously we can only speak for ourselves, but we doubt she'll be too happy about the whole thing. Especially seeing as the fling allegedly took place only days after her and Peter were spotted dry humping on holiday in France.

Monica (pictures here!) has told the tale of her and Peter's romantic evening to the NOTW, with the highlight being the part where she explains how:

"He pulled my top down so he could see my breasts even though I'd said, 'No, no, it's a taxi'. Then he undid his trousers and indicated what he wanted me to do. I did as he asked for about 15 minutes. Because he is so tall his legs were squashed up and the taxi driver was making jokes because our movements were shaking his seat."

Beautiful, we know. But are we the only ones who smell a very slight, but stinking stench of bullshit?