It's difficult to write about Susan Boyle without coming across as a bit too harsh or unnecessarily cruel, because whilst the woman can sing, she is also clearly a complete fucking nutbag.

Her album is on course to outsell EVERYTHING this year. EVERYTHING. Forget Robbie vs JLS or any of that old trousers - Boyle has recorded an album of covers and will now take over the world singing 'Wild Horses' to grandmothers the world over.

I've only really included this story because her face looks funny and she appears to have a head the size of Nottingham, but I can't print that because it's a bit nasty. Americans bloody love this kind of Brit don't they? Can we not give them Jedward too? I just interviewed them. It is safe to say that they will not be bothering MENSA anytime in the near future.

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WAIT! THERE'S MORE!

• Brit Awards 2010: performers revealed prior to nominations show tonight
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• Susan Boyle arrives at JFK airport, greeted by a few fans
• Sharon Osbourne says Susan Boyle looks like a 'hairy arsehole'