Ever since having sex with Pamela Anderson on a boat, Tommy Lee has been haunted by the image of cow vaginas. Everywhere he looks, he sees the number 23 and a larger than life set of fotze flaps. Possibly. We of course knew this for years, but never really felt there was a story we could mention it in up until now. SEE, WE CAN KEEP SECRETS.

Anyway, Tommy has gone on record and accused SeaWorld Orlando of doing unspeakable, sexual things to their killer whale, Tilikum. In a recent letter to the oceanic fun park he had this to say:

'We know from SeaWorld's own director of safety (as well as videos on the web) that the way you get his sperm is by having someone get into the pool and masturbate him with a cow's vagina filled with hot water,

'Even in my wildest days with Motley Crue I never could've imagined something so sick and twisted.

We simply refuse to believe Nikki Sixx never wanked off a whale. Incidentally, it's apparently called 'polishing the lighthouse' when it's done in the water. Fun fact.

Of course, SeaWorld aren't going to take this lying down (or crouching over) and have responded to the vicious, slanderous remarks:

'If Mr. Lee’s information on Tilikum and SeaWorld’s artificial insemination program for killer whales comes from PETA we’re not surprised that it’s wrong. PETA is as careless with facts as they are extreme in their views.'

 

'The process of collecting semen for [artificial insemination] doesn’t differ in any meaningful way from the techniques employed in managing livestock or other species for zoological display.'

 

'Contrary to the charges made by PETA and repeated in Lee’s letter, our trainers do not now nor have they ever entered the water with Tilikum for this purpose. The safety of SeaWorld staff and the welfare of our animals are our highest priorities.'

Tossing off whales and slamming PETA in the same article. Another life goal achieved.