America! Keep your VMAs! Stick the Oscars right up your yeeha jacksies - we have the TV Choice Awards. Dr. Fox! Lacey Turner!! Loose Women!!! How do you like them apples? Get ready for a dynamite HM story people!

Yes last night saw the annual TV Choice Awards, or as I like to call it - the Whodafuck awards for services to television for the mentally slow. Which is why we see soap actors who should never be let out in public mingling with the delightful Karen Gillan while being ogled and phwooared by Dr. Fox.

It's like some kind of Orwellian fantasy but instead of pigs taking over the planet it's just really slow people who've been on a sunbed too much. Their manifesto would insist everyone has to legally wear Calvin Klein Obsession and wash their face in Touche Eclat. After that, the rest (Law, Famine, Healthcare) would take care of itself. Who needs legislation with such fabulous accessorising?

This woman deserves a medal for outshining soap stars whilst being a complete unknown. Check those damn eyebrows out.

Anyway - i know you're all dying to know who won - so here you go!

• Best soap - EastEnders
• Special Award (for 50 years on TV) - Coronation Street
• Best family drama - Doctor Who
• Best drama series - Ashes To Ashes
• Best new drama - Glee
• Best actor - Jack O'Connell (Skins)
• Best actress - Denise Welch (Waterloo Road)
• Best talent show - Britain's Got Talent
• Best reality show - I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here
• Best food show - The F-Word
• Best comedy show - Gavin and Stacey
• Best lifestyle show - Come Dine With Me
• Best daytime show - Loose Women
• Best gameshow - Total Wipeout
• Best soap newcomer - Adam Thomas (Emmerdale)
• Best soap storyline - Aaron's gay self loathing (Emmerdale)
• Best soap actress - Lacey Turner, EastEnders
• Best soap actor - Danny Miller, Emmerdale

Both Denise Welch AND Loose Women won? If there aren't pictures of them hanging off the end of some random blokes with their thongs between their teeth available by 1pm i'll be furious.