The Ultimate Big Brother housemates were revealed last night and as usual the papers got it completely wrong - No Gos, no Michelle Bass, No Charlie, No Feltz…. YET (wink wink).

The full line up was actually this Motley Crüe, with my hilarious sideways glance at their personas wot I wrote on Twitter last night...

ULTIMATE BIG BROTHER HOUSEMATES

• Chantelle Houghton - 2 days away from another nervous breakdown - seeing her ex-husband talk about his new missus should just about tip her over the edge.
• Preston - One eye off to buy the chips, the other coming back with the change.
• Coolio - Worst way of trying to disguise make pattern baldness EVER, combined with the most sphincter clenching music interlude of all time.
• Brian Dowling - a bit zzzz tbh - but will probably win.
• Ulrika Johnson - wan-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka.
• John McCririck - "Oh he's playing the game taking the money doing what they want". Whateverzzzzzzz.
• Josie, the winner of BB11 - meh.
• Makosi - AMAZING. The most mental housemate ever, with the most ridiculous tits in the world. Remember - this bitch thought she was pregnant after Antony BB6 rubbed his hard o a giants her leg in a jacuzzi. Has to be a prostitute surely?
• Nadia - Seems to have enjoyed a few hearty meals over the years. Should have told her tailor.
• 'Nasty' Nick Bateman - The idiotic prick who constantly pretends he's pouring scorn on the whole premise of Big Brother whilst simultaneously shoving fivers in his back pocket off the back being the only man made to look stupid by Craig Phillips.
• Nikki Grahame - Anorexic, deranged, mental and quite clearly been waiting for last night for the past 4 years. Carcrash waiting to happen - how did she pass the psychiatric tests?

Putting a couple in that met in the Big Brother house then married, then subsequently divorced, is actually pretty sick. And amazing. They shold have done this 11 weeks ago though.

Sam Pepper to win, obv.