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We had a scramble call to pick up someone stranded in a blizzard once, and just as we were prepping the helicopter I had to ring Control to get the casualty details.

When the controller said it was "a celebrity" the alarm bells went off and I asked the nature of the injury. "I don't think she's injured, she just needs picking up" was the answer.

I got the agent's number, rang him up and asked him in no uncertain terms what the fuck he was doing demanding a personal service from Her Maj's helicopter in horrendous airborne conditions when his client was just one of dozens stranded in the weather.

His immediate response was "Don't you know who she is?"

Mine was "Do you know who I am?"

"No"

"Well fuck off and don't fucking bother us again"

I once spoke to Victoria Beckahms agent when I worked at an investment company, she had just got married and wanted to change the name on her account to Beckham. I refused to do this without seeing the marriage certificate (standard practice) and she went fucking radio rental "don't be so ridiculous....everyone knows who she is....probably just sell it to the tabloids...who do you think you are" eventually I asked if she knew who i was, when she said no I cut her off. Nice.

I spoke to her once when I was working in a call centre. I tried to dispense tech support, as per job description, and she just kept screaming "WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS?"
I tried to point out that, if she stopped shrieking for five minutes, I'd have her router up and working, but she just yelled at me for a bit before handing me onto some bloke. Who was quite tolerable.

Next week: Paul Burrel, when I was working at Egg.

Lorraine fuckin Kelly - this really is a slow news day.

Later on HM - Richard Madeley impersonates Kanye West by blacking up with some boot polish, exclusive

Why are Hugh Grant and Liz Hurley there?
And can we have a real story - like what's happening with the Obamas?

Lorraine Kelly?! What her off t' telly?
But she's got chelsea bun boobs! They're round. Surely Lorraine's tits would be dribbling into her belly button. You sure it's her? For if it is it's just wrong.

LK certainly has better tits than GaGa's spaniel's ears...

Looks like JoanCollins...daft Scottish Bint.