It wouldn't be a normal weekend in the land of showbiz without one of the tabloids spreading yet more US X Factor bullshit gossip. This week the word on the street is that Cheryl Cole has signed a £10M - ten. twatting . million. pounds - deal to become a judge on the show. £10M to sit in a chair, look pretty and pass judgement on the American population's vocal talents (as the least talented vocalist of a British girl group) while the rest of the American population try to decipher what exactly you're saying and who exactly you are.

We thought Simon Cowell was clever, but we're beginning to doubt his almighty wisdom after this almighty waste of money. Does he not realise that Cheryl is absolutely desperate to make a name for herself in the States (hence why she's currently pretending to go out with a mildly famous - but COMPLETELY HETROSEXUAL - dancer over there)? She'd happily take the job for 10p.

Nonetheless, a source told the NOTW:

"Simon is the boss of this show. He gets what he wants and he wants Cheryl. The money you make on American TV is huge, but there's also a huge risk."

There's nothing subtitles can't help out...

"The way American contracts are gives Fox the chance to opt out if viewers don't take to her. But Simon won't let that happen. As soon as it's announced she's going to be a judge the plan will be to launch her music career in the States. It's important Americans realise she's a credible music star if she's going to be judging other singers."

Oh you do make us laugh, tabloid source. Cheryl Cole will never hold the credibility to judge other singers. It's hard to believe that this monumentally average audition in front of Pete Waterman has made an insignificant Geordie chav more famous than the Queen herself.