Jack Tweed wasn't the only twat to grace the streets of London last night. Like the spread of a terminal illness, the entire celebrity population infested every corner, pavement and alleyway of the city yesterday evening - from Calum Best to Cilla Black, from Kerry Katona to Tinhead from Brookside...

Get your spoons at the ready - we have gallons of soup to work through here...

First of all, our darling Kerry Katona, who can be seen spreading her legs in the back of a cab with her hair falling elegantly down her face - possibly the most inviting prospect we've encountered all week.

Secondly, we'll take Chantelle Houghton - who came dressed as a banana. And she doesn't do elegant quite as well as Kerry, does she? With those lips she'd be better suited in the sea than the street.

Let's have a look at Calum Best's forehead next. You done yet? Probably not, it'll take your eyes a while to cover the whole square mile.

When your sister is the most shameful and repulsive human being in the world, it should be pretty simple to go on a night out without embarrassing yourself. That is, as long as you don't go out dressed up as a 12-year-old boy, Pixie Geldof...

Who next? How about Cilla Black... who, along with her friend, appeared to be emptying their purses and handing out tenners to strangers. Unless this is the most public drug deal of all time?

Other worthy mentions include Michael Barrymore, who seems to age five years every time we see him, Nicola Roberts, who could really do with painting her skin a similar colour to her hair, Lois Winstone, who continues to look like a cheery version of the woman from Dodgeball, Bianca Gascoigne, who, well, wore some nice clothes and Louis Spence and Debbie Moore.

Other unworthy mentions Lisa Snowdon, Amanda Holden and David Coulthard, Kara Tointin, Louise Lytton, Lucy Jones, Tulisa from N-Dubz and, as previously mentioned, Tinhead from Brookside.