Before we rant about how bad everyone was on the first live show of the X Factor last night, big fat reject, Gamu, has spoken for the first time about her potential deportation and whether or not Cheryl's a big fat racist. Can some real celebrities do something interesting now please? We're begging.

Those lucky bastards at the News Of The World managed to get the MASSIVE scoop of a world exclusive interview with the person we'll all have forgotten about come Monday morning, Gamu Nhengu. She made up fantasy tales about how - if she does get deported - a "firing squad"  will waiting for her back home, explaining:

"I've been in the public eye now and people there know I've fled Mugabe's regime. They will punish us if we go back. They're going to know where we are."

Well maybe you shouldn't have gone on the show in the first place, then. Or continue to linger in the public eye by telling the world all about your exaggerated troubles.

Gamu also disagreed with the actually quite reasonable outrageous claims that Cheryl's decision not to put her in the final three was racially motivated, saying:

"Cheryl picked Alexandra Burke. She was married to Ashley Cole. Rebecca is mixed race. Race did not even come into my mind at all."

She may have picked Alexandra Burke and married Ashley Cole, but she still attacked a nightclub attendant for being black.

In the meantime, the first live edition of the X Factor last night was essentially just one massive joke. We've picked out the cuntiest photos of the lot for you all to enjoy... Roll on the next 12 weeks!