We like cheese. And we like Alex James. But who knew Alex James made cheese? Oh right, every bloody body because he never stops going on about it. And now, the cow farmer and occasional bassist has taken his fermented curd to the masses, with a new range at ASDA. We’re wondering if he hasn’t slightly misjudged the market with the absurdly pretentious names.

The three products Alex has squeezed from his prize teats, exclusively for the supermarket are:

Cheddar Mozzarella Blankets

So that’d be cheese slices then. 

Designed to fit on bread (they’ve definitely already invented this, Alex) the foppish Blurman says, on the ASDA website:

“Everyone loves cheese on toast”.

This they do, Alex. Only presumably you call your toast a Tasty Bread Mattress.

Next up it’s…

Cheddar Spudsworth

That’s cheese cubes to you and I. The twist here being the cheese is broken up into cubes so it melts on jacket potatos. Because you know how fiddly and time consuming that can be, right kids?

And lastly, and definitely leastly…

Cheddar Wedges

So… cheese. In the same shape everyone else sells it. It’s cheese. Just cheese. IT’S FUCKING CHEESE!

Only, hush our mouths. It’s not just cheese. It comes in a whole host of tempting flavoured varieties, such as Cheddar and Tomato Ketchup, Cheddar and Tikka Masala, Cheddar and Sweet Chilli… oh god…

“Woo hoooooaaaaaaaaauuuuuuurrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhhh!”