Previously on Big Brother, Amy Childs got taunted by a giant pigeion, Darryn drank Bobby's sweat and the housemates became characters from The Wizard of Oz in preperation for their Christmas pantomime appearance. We all had fun, didn't we? Well forget about it. The Day 8 fun is over... HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED ON DAY 9!

It's eviction night, but we have to put that to the back of our minds for a good thirty minutes, as we go back in time to the previous day to find out how many Z-listers drank Bobby Sabel's sweat on Day 9. It's all very confusing, but we've been to Carlisle before so we can handle the time shift.

Anyway, The Wizard Of Oz shopping task continues in the house, and it's the turn of The Lion, aka Pamela, to face her fears and prove she has courage. To do so she must take part in the creepiest task we've ever witnessed on Big Brother. In a creepy green room, with a creepy green man, to the sound of creepy non-green music, she must play a game of Russian Roulette with four paper cups - one with a spike underneath - and crush each cup one by one with the palm of her hand. It's on the telly and not in a weird dungeon somewhere, so obviously she is never actually going to impale her hand with a spike, but it's tense nonetheless.

Later, the housemates are gathered to hear the results of their two-day task. Tin Man Darryn passes - he's given a pretend heart, Scarecrow Amy passes - she's given a diploma (an alarming sight), The Lion Pamela passes - she's given a trophy (?) and the Wicked Witch Lucien passes - he's given, err, nothing. Toto Paddy and the Munchkins Jedward and Tara fail, as do the Dorothys Sally, Bobby and Kerry - all because Kerry couldn't resist a fag - but that doesn't matter, because they PASS the task. Hooray for them!

In non-task related events, Jedward show their musical capablities - i.e. pressing a button repeatedly on the cross-trainer. The producers turn it into an excellent montage of the twins working out together, with the finishing touch of them sliding along the treadmill on their arse.

Darryn claims that Diana (not Vickers) once waited for him outside his home and said to him: "I don't know why you're spending too much time photographing me, you should be watching my husband and that woman, Camilla". Tara is shocked and fascinated. We're shocked and fascinated that she's not sussed how much of a bullshitter the man is yet.

Paddy discusses fashion. He says that Princess Beatrice and Eugenie "haven't got a clue", and our highlight of all of Celebrity Big Brother so far: "What the fuck is that you're wearing you sausage?". If any TV network commissioners are reading this just now, we beg you to make Paddy the new Gok Wan with a show entitled What The Fuck Is That You're Wearing, You Sausage.

The worst happens: everyone falls asleep... apart from Jedward. Can you imagine if that happened in real life? One of them proclaims: "they need to wake up and realise there's this amazing house... to trash". And they proceed to do so by chopping some carrots, screaming "yay yay yay yay yay yay" and spraying shaving foam absolutely everywhere. It's vintage Jedward - this is the reason for which they were born.

Tara teaches Amy and Lucien how to dance - "it's in the eyes", she says. It's also a bit rapey, Tara. As demonstrated by Amy as she pushes Lucien up against the wall and gives him a raging erection.

Our highlight? This quote from Sally: "I don't want to go first. It's just a bit embarrassing to be kicked out of the Big Brother house first, really."

It really is embarrassing, isn't it, Sal?