For those of you who haven't already bought or stolen a copy, both FHM and Q this month have interviews with outspoken nuclear scientist Dappy Constabobulos, in which he revealed his love for outdoor pursuits such as fishing, pheasant beheading and being left alone in the forest to die. He even compared himself to Bear Grylls at one point, presumably because they both seem to have been named after a family pet.

Unfortunately for the pop-rap penguin, killing animals or wearing fur or breathing loudly are all classic ways to incur the wrath of PETA, the patron saint of clove-smoking hippies and over-privileged Kensingtonians everywhere. 

BEND BEFORE ME, TATTOOED IDIOT, FOR I AM PETA AND ALL WHO DISPLEASE ME WILL FEEL THE BACK OF MY SMOOTH, UNCALLOUSED, POSSIBLY MANICURED (WELL, DADDY DID OFFER TO PAY FOR IT) HAND! METAPHORICALLY SPEAKING OF COURSE! WE ABHOR VIOLENCE OF ANY KIND! EVEN COMPUTER GAME VIOLENCE, ALTHOUGH THAT'S ADMITTEDLY STILL A BIT OF A GREY AREA FOR US.

"The pain and suffering of the animal aside, someone - maybe a psychologist - might say a man needs counselling when, like a puffed-up little boy shouting, 'Look, mummy, look', he tries to prove that by simply standing up and using a rod or gun, he can overpower a two-pound bird or a struggling fish.

"Taking a picture of his penis is not unrelated to this desire of his to be seen as big, even by picking on very small animals who pose him no threat. It takes a very small person indeed to enjoy traumatising, hurting, and killing animals who are minding their own business.

"If Dappy hopes to ingratiate himself with the British public, he'd do well to follow the compassionate example of music legends like Sir Paul McCartney, who respect all living beings."

Who saw that second paragraph coming? No-one? One-nil to PETA by the sounds of it. Good work, Animal Squad.