Remember Gareth Gates? No, not the Bo Selecta joke Gareth Gates, actual Gareth Gates. Of course you can’t; he's disappeared like a bus ticket in a tramp's jacket pocket. Except in the fickle world of fame, that tramp's jacket is actually a cruise ship. The bus ticket is still him though. Maybe in a sailor's outfit.

Following on from his two-year run as Jason Donovan in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat (us either, but apparently people still do. We know, haven’t they got the internet, or friends?) Gareth will be setting sail aboard P&O cruise ship Oceana next month, to entertain people on their way to Bruges.

He will be signing autographs and posing for pictures with fans after his show, where he will sing all his hits including the one from Ghost and the one he did with the Kumars. As hilarious as this whole thing is, we suspect Gareth will be having the last laugh here. Who loves Gareth Gates? Maybe 2 per cent of people in the UK who are still aware of him, but you can bet that on a cruise ship, that figure would jump up to maybe 75 per cent, and who doesn’t want to be on a ship where 75 per cent of the passengers think you’re ace? Exactly.

At the moment, Gareth is only signed up to do three shows, but maybe if it goes well he’ll be signed up for a residency, and have to live his life on the high seas, like a pirate or Jane McDonald. Ah, well, it could be worse. It could be panto. Oh, Gareth’s already done panto. Well, it could be Dancing on Ice. Oh, he’s done that too? Well, at least he didn’t end up marrying Katie Price, eh?