Fresh-faced and bushy-tailed Kerry Katona has now decided that after conquering the charts for a decade, taking more coke than the entire music industry, marrying and divorcing Bryan McFadden and a skinhead criminal twat, being fleeced by an accountant, acting like Peter Doherty after 62 bottles of vodka on This Morning and being dumped by the most dreadful management agency in town that she would quite like to do acting now because it's "dead easy".

Hmm... I suppose after doing all that over the past few years, levitating would seem quite easy - but Kerry hasn't set herself a nice realistic target like a Hollyoaks extra or porn or anything like that - no - she fancies her chances on Downton Abbey - a show featuring Dame Maggie Smith and Hugh Bonneville. As mental as that sounds, you have to admit that she would be amazing in any television show. The show would be cancelled and baying crowds would burn down ITV buildings across the land - but it would be a glorious 30 seconds if only to see Kerry Katona chewing the scenery with Maggie.

Lady Edith Crawley: I thought it was supposed to be unsinkable. 
Robert Crawley, Earl of Grantham: Every mountain is "unclimbable" until someone climbs it. So every ship is "unsinkable" until it sinks. 
Madam Kerry of Katonaville: Prawn rings £2 from Iceland - ooo fook me Mark were 'orrible to me I love me kids bryan's a right twat and claire from CAN has a proper smelly fanny. Me lady.