Some things in life are just too long. We didn't spend seven years training for our Licence to Practise Internet Journalism just so we could read other people's stuff, come on, we barely even read our own. Life's too short. Haven't you ever wondered why Holy Moly articles are so brief? It's because we're treasuring life. Treasuring life so hard.

So when Richard Branson writes a blog post about the decriminalisation of drugs we were expecting a short, snappy piece filled with vitriol, bias and one-sided diatribes, not a long, well thought-out, reasoned essay backed up by persuasive data. Why would anyone want that? 

Don't think that just because you've got a few planes and balloons under your belt that you're something special, Richard Branson. You're not. And neither is Portugal. In fact, if you love Portugal's stance on drugs as much as you seem to, why don't you just marry it?

Take a variety of quotes completely out of context? Why yes, we might just do that.

"Portugal drug use numbers are impressive. "

"Proportionally, more Americans have used cocaine than Portuguese have used marijuana."

"Death related to heroin and similar drugs were cut by more than half."

"In Portugal, the effect was to neutralize what had become the country’s number one public health problem."

"It is time to end the war on drugs worldwide. We must stop criminalising drug users. Health and treatment should be offered to drug users – not prison. Bad drugs policies affect literally hundreds of thousands of individuals and communities across the world. We need to provide medical help to those that have problematic use – not criminal retribution."

Yeah, let's all just sit down and smoke some illegal drugs together, eh Richard? Maybe we'll do heroin and crystal meth while we're at it, and then go on a rampage where we eat babies, smear our shit on church windows and rape our own mothers? You'd like that, wouldn't you? You just want to watch society crumble from your new home on the Moon where you live with your best friends Bill Gates and Kate Winslet, eh?

Not on our watch, Richard. NOT ON OUR WATCH.

Incidentally, there's more here, if you've got time to actually understand what he's trying to say. Which we don't. Or won't. One of the two.