It was foretold that as soon as Abbey Clancy had given naughty footballing beanstalk Peter Crouch his firstborn child, she was to travel to her local gym, in order that she might be able to engage her slightly fleshy limbs in a series of exceptionally tedious running and lifting excersises, to remove the so-called 'baby weight'. Thus it was foreseen that only one month after her holy ladybits had been stretched to an eyewatering size by a squashy human skull passing through them, she would be modelling for Esquire, possibly in a nine page pictorial where they didst finally let her wear a weird black shirt that buttoned between her legs. And it was very sexually provocative. Forsooth.

Blah, blah, blah. You get the idea. Anyway, here's what she had to say while she kind of almost looked like she might possibly perhaps take her clothes off:

On being labelled a WAG:

“I’ve been called worse things...girls who go out with footballers are branded in a certain way. People can say what they want. Now I’ve got my baby, things don’t matter as much to me. I’m not as wimpy as I was”

On being an ugly duckling:

“[I was an] ugly child. My natural hair is jet black. I used to have it down to my bum. And I went through a phase of being obsessed with fake tan. So from the age of 14 to 16 I looked like an Apache Indian!”

On being a natural born model:

“I’ve always been a bit of a poser. I was chucked out of ballet lessons for looking in the mirror. I’m not vain, I just love make-up and dressing up.” 

On her ambitions to model for Victoria Secret:

“I used to say if it happened I’d die happy, but now I’ve got a baby I can’t die, because I’ve got to look after her.”

On dating a tall man:

“I think everyone’s short now. I’ll see someone and go, ‘He’s tiny,’ and Pete’ll go, ‘No, he’s not, he’s 6ft 1in!”

On football:

“[Football] bores the life out of me!”

So remember everyone, she can't die because she's had a baby. Advice we can all learn from, we're sure you'll agree.

Anyhow, if this little philosophical snippet has wet your whistle for a larger, shinier, more tangible version then the full interview appears in the August issue of Esquire, on sale Monday 4 July 2011. At newsagents and supermarkets. Alternatively, check out the website for more pictures galore.