Whoever has farmed every celebrity onto a bus and driven them off the face of the planet should be ashamed of themselves. The gossip well is drier than Tom Cruise's pootang.

OK, so it's Oscars weekend and they are all on their best behaviour just in case they screw their chances of an award or future success by acting inappropriately in front of some powerful Hollywood bigwig. It's a shame that Martine McCutcheon didn't abide by the same rules. Folklore has it that when she went over as part of the Love, Actually posse, she got so shit-faced at one of the aftershow parties she found herself completely black-listed by all of the studios. Allegedly etc.

Still, if it wasn't for that we would never have had the pleasure of her novel The Mistress, a novel so bad it contains the immortal line:

"She grabbed her slightly sodden copy of Grazia again and headed out of her heavy black door, pulling it shut by its knocker. She fumbled with her umbrella: ‘Oh bloody hell, it never works, why do I bother?"

NB you can pick this tome up on Amazon for 1p (not including p+p)

Question!

Do bears shit in the woods? Yes, but other animal-surnamed pop stars shit on stage. In their pants.

GUESS HERE!

Simon Pegg certainly likes watching Channel 4.

He's not only hired one of the TV nannies (Supernanny, Nanny 911, banannyman?) to be the nanny for his kid, but he's also hired the guy off Location, Location, Location, Location, Location, Location to find him a holiday home in Greece.

A MOLE WRITES:

"9am train to Glasgow from London Kings Cross on Friday morning, 26th February 2010, Jarvis Cocker tried to insist on sitting in the first class carriage but refused to pay for a first class ticket! The conductor threw him out and he seemed quite upset."

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Extreme is the theme. Are you nuts enough? Click to watch now... (you have been warned!).

Who knew that James Blunt's You're Beautiful was originally Eric Clapton's Wonderful Tonight?

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SUPERMASSIVE CACK ROLE

Poor Biffy Clyro. When they arrived to support Muse at Wembley Stadium, they were a tad pissed off to find that all SEVEN of the dressing rooms had been set aside for the three-piece main act.

One whole room had been overtaken by a woman whose sole duty it was to push a pea-sized iron around Matt Bellamy's miniature silk blousons.

Anyone that says footballers are inarticulate and dull should TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW.

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THE LUCKIEST STEWARD IN THE WORLD:

Ian Brown just doesn't learn does he? On a recent Finnair flight, he cause an almighty rumpus with the air stewardesses because they wouldn't let him into first class. He was flying economy with his band and tried the trademark 'monkey swagger/do you know who I am?' act countless times to get upgraded, but he was rebuked repeatedly. He made a made a massive old big monkey fuss.

(NB. for those younger than most, Ian got himself into a right mess a few years ago when he threatened to chop the hands off a stewardess when they offered him a hot towel or something.)

Time never stands still in the world of fashion - Gareth Pugh is strongly tipped to be Lee McQueen's replacement at Alexander McQueen.

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A Not Very Pretty One and the High Haired Shouty Twins.  On a brand new talent show.  With added goo. Click here.

A nice sensitive article about the tragic death of TV Presenter Kristian Digby on the Daily Mirror's website.

Especially like fact ten, which in no way shows that the lazy-arsed journo has just cut and paste the whole thing from his agents website.

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A MOLE WRITES:

Rumour from the BBC is that the live Eastenders episode was a PR stunt.

"It was filmed live but everyone knew who the killer was ages ago. Same with 'Who Shot Phil?' - there was only ever one suspect," said the mole.

Men across the world slash open their piggy banks. Women across the world roll their eyes and sleep with someone else.

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Sometimes even the grimmest news can be cheered up by a Google mistake.

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LAST TRAIN TO LINK CENTRAL:

Sickeningly good stop motion minituarised thing in New York.

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Best Judge Judy clip EVER:

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That new MIKA single is his best yet:

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"Does that look funny?"

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"Because when you think gay elf sex, think Durex"

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