Paul Gascoigne, aka the world's oldest-looking 43-year-old man, had some good news and bad yesterday. The Bournemouth Echo takes up the story:

"IT was a morning of mixed emotions for football legend Paul Gascoigne. Yesterday Gazza received a certificate congratulating him for staying 'clean and sober' after successfully completing his 'detox'; the first stage in an alcohol rehabilitation programme at a Bournemouth addiction treatment centre.

"But the moment had already been marred by headlines he had woken up to claiming he had groped a shop assistant at a Boscombe chemist’s shop after falling off the wagon.

"A national tabloid newspaper also claimed that the ex-England, Tottenham Hotspur and Newcastle United ace had asked a window cleaner to buy him two cans of Stella after they had bumped into each other in the street."

Oh Gazza. Perhaps an early grave would be the best place for you, if you're going to stumble through life like this, on the tabs and boozed up to the tits on cans of whatever booze 'fans' will buy you.

Gazza defends himself:

"I posed for a picture with that girl after I’d gone into the shop to buy shampoo. I try and be nice to people and then this comes out.

"If I wanted a couple of cans of lager I'd have stayed in Newcastle and got drunk there. I've never seen that guy in my life but things like this happen when I go out. I went to the park for a game of football but they didn't take any pictures of that. I'm not going to let them get away with it."

Misery.