Gotcha! Where is Jeremy Beadle when you need him…

Stop the press!! Wayne Rooney is not going anywhere, folks. The potato-faced chancer has signed a new five-year contract at Manchester United, only days after saying he wanted to leave as the club couldn't match his lofty ambitions - yeah, cause Fergie has only won about 30 trophies, innit. Sheesh.

Why the huge Roo-Turn? Was this what Rooney and his team wanted all along - a fat new contract - or was his decison influenced by the gang of 40 hoodie-wearing United fans who turned up on his doorstep in Cheshire last night with a placard that read, "If you join City, you're dead"? (The same message was also daubed in big, scary letters on the side of the Nike store in Manchester.)

Cause there's nothing like a few death threats to make you think twice about your next career move.

Anway, here's what Sir Alex Ferguson and Rooney had to say about the overnight reconciliation:

Fergie:

It’s been a difficult week, but the intensity of the coverage is what we expect at Manchester United. I said to the boy that the door is always open and I’m delighted Wayne has agreed to stay.

Sometimes, when you’re in a club, it can be hard to realise just how big it is and it takes something like the events of the last few days to make you understand.

I think Wayne now understands what a great club Manchester United is.

I’m pleased he has accepted the challenge to guide the younger players and establish himself as one of United’s great players. It shows character and belief in what we stand for.

I'm sure everyone involved with the Club will now get behind Wayne and show him the support he needs to produce the performances we know he is capable of.

And Rooney's statement:

I’m delighted to sign another deal at United. In the last couple of days, I’ve talked to the Manager and the owners and they’ve convinced me this is where I belong. I said on Wednesday the Manager’s a genius and it’s his belief and support that have convinced me to stay.

I’m signing a new deal in the absolute belief that the management, coaching staff, board and owners are totally committed to making sure United maintains its proud winning history – which is the reason I joined the Club in the first place.

I’m sure the fans over the last week have felt let down by what they’ve read and seen. But my position was from concern over the future. The fans have been brilliant with me since I arrived and it’s up to me through my performances to win them over again.

A lot of people think this is what Rooney wanted all along, but here at GM! we reckon he genuinely shat his pants, firstly when Fergie came out and played the wounded dad so brilliantly, then when United fans turned against him so quickly.

Stupid boy.