If you’re the sort of person who enjoys shows where people say “that’s so fashion!”, you’ve come to the right place, my misguided chum! Over the next 6 weeks, Nick Grimshaw will be live on T4, looking for a person who can tell others what to wear. Or, to use the industry term, a stylist. This first show kicks things off in style, with Grimmy displaying a ludicrous pink suit and a silly hairdo. It’s sponsored by not-as-good-as-Topshop New Look.

Helping Grimmy, we have industry experts Giles Deacon (who has a line with New Look, incidentally) and Barbara Horspool (who basically runs New Look) and Sophie Ellis Bextor (who wear clothes, but probably not from New Look). Sophie looks very nice, as usual, and will be doing one of her new songs at the end of the show. Bet it’s not as good as Nicola Roberts’ new one, though.

Over to some actual stylists, who choose Jennifer (wearing a gold string vest thing) and Caia (dungaree shorts) to go head to head on the catwalk in today’s live show. The girls will have £300 to put together three looks (beach, festival, date-night) based around a brief; lace for Caia and florals for Jennifer. While Caia has spent all night sewing, Jennifer went out and got pissed. She says she only went for dinner and the cinema, but her massive sunnies say massive hangover.

Before Jennifer and Caia’s collections, we see some festival looks that were put together by the audience. One is a hippy nightmare, one looks like pyjamas, and the third looks like every annoying tit-head girl who’s ever pissed you off at a festival. Well done, Britain. Well done.

Onto the main event: Jennifer’s looks are all awful. If Jennifer tried to ‘style’ us, we’d slap her in the mouth. Caia’s looks are marginally less ugly, and her beach look is camel-toe-fabulous. On the strength of her bold use of see-through trousers and a lack of bumbags, Caia should win this one. This is where the public (people awake and capable at 11:30am on a Saturday) can vote for their favourite, or more realistically, the least disgusting. The judges waffle on about the monstrosities that Caia and Jennifer have created, and we think about all the awesome, un-ugly clothes we’d buy if Nick Grimshaw gave us £300.

Results time: Caia wins because her looks were marginally less hideous than Jennifer’s. Truly, a fashion victory.

We can’t help wondering if the pre-wake-up scheduling, shows that Channel 4 don’t really have much faith in it. If they did, it’d be in the same kind of slot as James Brown’s Hairbags, or Gok Touched My Boob and I Liked It. But it’s not.

New Look Style the Nation is on at 11:25, Saturdays, Channel 4. 11:25am. As in, in the morning. Yeah, us too.